The Obligatory Sex Post

Somebody on The Ask asked: “How does one stay sexually attracted to one’s wife after many years, especially if she has given birth to many kids?”

I didn’t love the way the question was phrased, as it seemed to have some underlying false assumptions behind it, but I considered it a fair question to a man of my seasoning. So I answered in parts one, two, and three. I’m copying that answer here because:

• some people might want to read it forwards rather than backwards;
• somebody might want to have an interactive discussion about it; and
• I don’t want to spend that much time on an answer and not generate some blog hits (duh “sex”) for my humble blog.

So without further ado, and a few minor edits…

This is answered in two parts: a deeper philosophical part and a practical use part. The tenor of the question appears to be seeking only the practical side, specially focused as it is on sexual attraction, which I refuse to divorce from the larger question of Eros. My psychology doesn’t work that way, and in the end I’m not convinced anyone else’s does either.

Eros is not sexual gratification, but the deep intertwining of souls in rapturous love. Sexual gratification can be sought (illicitly) outside of Eros; and Eros may be shared utterly apart from sexual congress. Neither is tantamount to the other. So it is entirely proper, but easily misunderstood in today’s stupid cultural discourse, to speak of God’s erotic love toward his rational creatures, and of theirs toward him. It is entirely proper to speak of Joseph and Mary having sharing Eros, i.e., having an erotic relationship, without ever suggesting that they had sexual relations (which is heresy). Moreover it is entirely proper, tho’ all the more misunderstood today, to speak of men sharing Eros with other men (and women with women) with whom they have very deep and sacrificially self-giving friendships (cf. King David and Nathan).

[Side note: among the greatest travesties of homosex acceptance is the near extermination it causes of deep same-sex relationships, because such relationship will now be viewed as “gay”; ergo icky, possibly scandalous. The rareness today of such same-sex deep friendships today, the distance people now go, in fact, to avoid building them, is a profound social pathology of almost incalculable cost.]

With that background, nevertheless, sexual congress is an appropriate and holy picture, literally in the intertwining of two bodies, signifying Eros—as if it were given as an object lesson to us (which it was). In marriage, then, man and wife normally share and entwine their bodies, one with another, but a fortiori share and entwine their very souls. They create a deep psychological bond, insoluble by any ordinary means.

So sexual attraction, in itself, is no longer a primary focus of the relationship. It is, at most, a particular cart that is being pulled by the strong horse of deep Eros. I therefore, principally, love my wife because she is mine, she is the one up within whom I am inextricably entwined. Sexual attraction is a natural part of that, but only as it were as an incidental component. I focus on the deep love and relationship and the sexual attraction will tend (not necessarily all the time, or for all of my days) to come along for the ride.

But if I focus solely on the sexual attraction, then that is disordered to some extent, and ultimately can amount to a species of masturbation—self-pleasuring using my spouse as a mere object. This sort of thing gets old pretty fast. [I might have added here: it gets old because, while it may be scratching a lizard-brain itch, it is not fulfilling a deep human psychological need for affection and belonging. You may be able to live on Cheetos, but you couldn’t be described as thriving on them.]

A big part of that healthy sexual attraction then, to me, is in the realization that this other person wants to give herself freely; not only that but is enraptured with the idea of giving herself freely just to please you. She wants, craves to have you inside of her, both as part of foreplay and coitus proper. She feels empty without it. This is no an act as you would get with a prostitute or attention-whoring barfly, nor is it something you are experiencing by proxy as with porn or artificially in your imagination. This is REAL… and REAL is sexy… REAL is the most sexy thing on earth.

So armed with that philosophical background, and by it an approach to the good as the true good per se, we can now go on to discuss practical ways to help yourself to be attracted sexually to your wife, in spite of the fact that she is objectively not the most beautiful woman on earth, nor necessarily as objectively beautiful today as she once was.

First, if you love her, you’ll want her to be the best self she can be, not merely for your own enjoyment but especially for hers. She wants to please you. (Remember Eros.) Starts by encouraging her to remain reasonably slim and healthy. How precisely you do that is going to depend on the woman. Different women are motivated in different ways. Too much pressure and the bough will break, too little and the effect may be lost. Choosing the right amount of pressure is a wisdom that simply must be gained by experience.

In order for her to stay slim and attractive, it will probably help if you also remain reasonably strong and fit yourself (appropriate to your age). Even tho she would never cheat on you, nor you on her, there probably exists some deep psychology which prompts her to try and stay at approximately your attractiveness level.

Encourage her to dress well in flattering clothes, and do her hair, makeup, and accessories in ways that work for her. Develop an eye for women’s fashions. Note especially what, in general, works on women who have your wife’s body type and coloration. Give her praise for an especially fine job. Don’t be overly harsh upon clothing or appearance missteps. (She wants to please you… remember Eros.)

Second, the vaginal loosening associated with multiple childbirths implicit in this question is both overstated and may moreover in part be overcome. Vaginas are quite stretchy and will naturally return to a tighter state quickly after childbirth. Tho’ it is probably an empirical question what effect multiple childbirths (vis-à-vis just one) will have on vaginal tightness, my back of the envelope calculation says that one baby’s head is just about as big as any other’s.

Kegel exercises, important for a number of health outcomes like urine continence, are highly recommended to strengthen the pelvic floor after childbirth and return the vagina to a more pleasing, i.e., tighter girth.

She won’t of course become a physiological virgin again. But that is far from a bad thing. A woman who has been through childbirth may now find sexual positions that had previously been uncomfortable or impossible to be exhilarating. Yay for exhilarating! She may be more easily orgasmic. Not a bad thing.

Third, it is quite typical for women who are truly in love (remember Eros) will find themselves to be less inhibited, more comfortable with themselves and their own bodies, and more sexually adventurous than they were when they were younger. So although objectively she is not as beautiful as the day you got married, aging often has some compensating effects. She may show you sides of her that you’ve never seen before. Occasionally she may seem an insatiable tigress. (Remember Eros: she’s wrapped up in you and you in her, and all that she is, body and soul, is focused entirely upon you as her husband, i.e., her “lord”—the word Sarah used for Abraham.)

Fourth, yes you were programmed naturally to enjoy variety, but you’ve now spent 10 or 20 or more years entwining yourself, body and soul, with one woman. There exist many perfectly licit ways to still obtain some level of variety: different sexual positions, various techniques of foreplay, new and provocative lingerie, role playing, suggestive texts or communication, spanking, restraints, etc. All of these to taste. The list could go on and on. Very simple and subtle changes can be quite invigorating for both of you. As I said, your wife may likely be more adventurous as she ages. (And she wants to please you. Remember Eros.)

[UPDATE]
Cannot believe I forgot this but: Fifth, don’t use contraception. Just Don’t Do It! Contraception in multiple and nefarious ways kills the way you look at your wife and how she looks at you. The pill is famous for messing up a woman’s hormone levels, most critically by keeping her from her peak of horniness. Barrier methods prevent a man’s precious bodily fluids from getting into his wife’s system. More broadly, contraception can be seen as withholding, in this case of one’s fertility, from each other. It is hard to imagine how, even on a subconscious level, this does not get translated by parts of our brain as, “This person is defective… look elsewhere.”

… or maybe, sixth, you just need Wife Goggles.